Tuesday, November 28, 2006


Tonight I am fucked up. I can't deal. My doctors are tapering my prednisone and it is really messing with me emotionally. I can't deal with the emotional highs and lows. I want to take these raw emotions and throw them against the wall. I don't want them. I am sick of people not being able to understand what's going on with me, I'm sick of trying to explain it. I resent everybody for not understanding. And I am defiantly sick of saying I don't or can't blame people for not knowing how to react or understand. When the hell did my role in life become the "mediator" between myself and others. Why do I always feel that it's my responsibility to understand and cater to everyone else feelings and thoughts? I'm the one that fucking sick! The one who's life has been drastically shortened. How nice it must be to be able to go through life without any thought of how others might feel.

Hello? Does anybody know what it's like to have to think about your own mortality? The luxury of living in a bubble. One that says what are my plans for next year, what will I name my child should I choose to have one? All I want to do is cry. And I do believe me, but not too much because than I can't fucking breath! I am angry, sad, and scared, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I don't even know if these feelings are 100% mine or medication induced. I don't want to hear "hang in there, it will be ok", right now my response is go fuck yourself, I don't have the flu. I feel like nobodies on my side. Can somebody please just be angry along with me and not try to fix anything or cheer me up. Like I said, tonight I am fucked up.

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