Monday, April 24, 2006

Cockroaches and Baby Birds

We all have odd dreams. Some of them down right weird and screwed up. But somewhere along the line they are supposed to make sense. A sort of subconscious figuring out of what we cant seem to do when we are awake. Or perhaps we are unwilling to figure these things out in our waking lives. There are so many levels of understanding and realizations that it stands to reason that there should be many different ways of figuring things out. This brings me to my very odd dream....
Looking up towards the ceiling of my bed room there hung a birds nest, right in the middle of the room. Above the nest was a light. It was more like a light box recessed into the ceiling. However, this seemed normal to me and as if it has always been there. It was a zebra finch nest. The kind of finches you see at every pet store. I remember that I would look up and check it everyday. Were there babies in the nest or just the adults? There were always around 5 or 6 birds hanging around. (Zebra Finches are community birds and never seen in just pairs). So I would check out the nest and then carry out my day. No big deal. Then one day, my mother walked into the room and started yelling for me. I came in wondering what all the fuss was about. She looked up. So did I. What I saw was horrifying. The light had come undone from the ceiling on one end and cockroaches were pouring out of the light box. Looking down at the ground I saw the adult zebra finches. Some were dead and kind of took on the form of the roaches. Others were not dead and were hopping around on the floor. I bent down to pick up the birds, but they seemed to vanish. Looking in the nest I saw baby birds, but the roaches were devouring them and they were dead. They never had a chance. My mother fixed the light and tried to get rid of all the roaches, but I knew they were still there. And that the nest was empty and abandoned.
We may look at cockroaches as evil, disgusting creatures that the world would be better off without. But when you think about it, roaches are one of the ultimate survivors on this planet. A cockroach can survive for two weeks by feeding on a human finger print left on a counter. I find that pretty damn amazing. Kind of gross, but amazing all the same. So what does all this mean? Well for those of you who dont know. One of the medicines that I take to keep me alive is Chemo. I take it everyday, twice a day. Because of this I can no longer have children. Or baby birds so to speak. The roaches, (chemo) have ruined that ability. Feeding on life the roaches allow me to live. As the Chemo destroys my body over time, transforming birds into roaches, my life is extended. My body has become a battle ground for survival in which I feel like a spectator.