Sunday, February 11, 2007

Walking Around with a Hole in My Soul

I'm thinking about my life today as I sit here on a hospital bed. So much has changed and yet in a sense everything remains the same. I'm missing desire in my life. I shouldn't have this problem having been through what I've been through. You think I would be full of life and have a renewed sense of wonder and hope, but I seem to be missing this? It's as if life has just continued and I'm wearing shoes that are just more worn out than before. Walking around with a hole in my sole and the knowledge to change, but not the desire to? I don't understand. It's like I'm stuck. Or maybe I'm scared that If I try to reclaim my life, disaster will strike me down once again. Last year I got to the point of wanting to do something with my life, I could finally conceive an idea of a future, than I relapsed and got another rare disease. A part of me thinks that if I can remain still and go unnoticed than nothing else bad can happen to me. Like a forgotten about shoe that's sits in the back of the closet and goes unseen for years, preserved in a thick layer of dust……… A mummy from a life already spent. I don't like this aspect of my self but it is the truth. It's as if I'm afraid to make a commitment to myself and to life. …..I can't read the fine print so I don't want to sign up. Sometimes I dare to dream about things I want or would like to do. It's hard because I feel like it will be ripped away from me. But at the same time what is the point of all of this if I don't move forward? By not moving forward aren't I achieving what I don't want? I guess I don't know how to blend my life together with who I have now become. I feel like I should be able to get to the point that I can live my life like I did before. Independent and unencumbered by complications unless they were by my choosing. I don't know how to take this broken body and turn it into life. I feel like I've been dumped in the middle of the desert with no directions.