Symbolic People...

Why is it that people and past events evoke emotional needs, and what am I supposed to do with this information? I feel the need to have a sense of comfort and security, a warm blanket to snuggle in and forget about life for a while. This is the role that my symbolic person represents. It's funny how someone from your past who in all reality you no longer know can be so familiar. It's not the person that matters, rather what they gave you. A warm fuzzy womb where everything is taking care of. That's what I was given. No need to think or manage life. Just heal. I need to feel that sense of innocence again. That false sense of safety that comes as a luxury to those who are healthy. I'm tired of this illness, I'm tired of dealing with it, feeling it. I want to feel normal again. But I know that will never happen. I'm different now. Will I ever be able to climb a mountain again? Will I ever be able to get through one day without my disease creeping in to remind me that it hasn't gone away? I want to be able to walk down the stairs and go outside with out the aid of others, and without my 25ft oxygen tube that I call my leash. I want to be able to breath without thinking about it. I want to be able to take a piss and not wonder how my kidneys are fairing. I want to be able to look at some one with a cold without seeing them as an instrument of death heading in my direction. I want the calendar in my computer to be full of fun things to do and not Doctors appointments and medication regiments. I'm missing something. I need support. But I need emotional support. The kind of support that comes with a hug or an arm around the shoulder with no need for words. That intimate sense knowing and understanding, simple and pure and uncluttered by speech or sympathetic looks and worries. No need for explanations. How do I get this when I am trapped in my house away from human contact? When I don't have the ability to come and go as I please, and be a part of the world.