Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Not Agian!

Well, Hate to always sound like Everything I have to say is negative, but it's realy not. I think that writing about my wegener's experance is helping me to understand some of the less desirable things in life. It doesn't take away the fear and worry but it helps me to understand life and the people in it better.
I've been in the hospitail for the past 2 week because of lung complecations. Breathing has become an issue. And last time I checked your lungs were important for survival. Well I just found out that on monday I go into surgery to hopefuly figure out the cause and fix the prolbem. I get to come out of the surgery with yet again more chest tubes shoved into me. The surgen says to me that the chest tube is no big deal! I looked at him and asked him if he was high! I've had 3 of them already and it's not like on the tv show "ER". They are painful! They had to tie me down for the last one because I kept kicking everybody. It's amazing how your body will try to defend itself with or without your consent. You have no real control, your body starts making all the descions instead of your mind. It's a survial tool, something almost primative takes over and you have no choice. I think it's the closest thing we as humans can come to knowing what it would be like to be a wild animal, and not a human. Humans have for the most part lost that wild instinctive side and replaced it with reason and logic. I know that I have to have the surgery, and that it will benifit me in the long run , but that wild side of me wants to run.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Violence, Blood and Brains????

Ok, I know I have a lot of crap to deal with. So, it stands to reason that my dreams maybe a little odd. But what is up with the intense imagery. My dreams have turned either violent, or down right gross. In one dream my mother was beating me with a pain of glass, but the glass didnt hurt me, instead it would shatter on top of my mother cutting her up. All I knew in the dream is that the glass was called truth. I was begging her to stop because she was the one getting hurt and I was OK. It was like she was a blind crazy woman trying desperately to kill or fend off an intruder. It was a short dream, but extremely intense. The imagery that stands out the most is that pain of glass. I couldnt get over the fact that the glass was truth. Not a representation of truth, or a symbol of it, but the actual truth. The plain clear truth! Whatever that is.

The next dream: I was standing in the bathroom looking in the mirror and talking to some strange person that exists for no real reason other than to take up space, and my ear started to bleed. At first I thought I must have cut myself, no bid deal. But soon the blood was flowing out of my ear, just one ear mind you? I looked closer into the mirror. Looking closely at my ear I noticed that there was also blood on my scalp? I touched my head and it was squishy, like a soap soaked sponge. Every time I touched my scalp blood would ooze out of it. I was perplexed; I couldnt understand what was happening. Youd think I would be screaming and freaked out at the fact that my sponge like head was oozing blood, but I wasnt. I just stood there staring at it. I remember asking my self in the dream; Now what the hell does this mean? I decided to go to the hospital to find out. They would be able to tell me why I was dreaming this. (I was aware that I was dreaming) The doctors knew what was going on, and so did my family. Everybody knew what my bleeding brain was trying to say but me. And so exhausted I fell asleep, (in the dream) never figuring out the message.