Saturday, June 24, 2006

The Powers That Be..

Cant sleep do to more bad news on my health. Its becoming overwhelming. SO much is going through my head. I think my brain needs a serious vacation! Some people turn to spirituality when they become seriously ill. They become full of faith. Start believing in God or whoever. They pray, or ask why me. As if an illness is a direct consequence to doing something bad. Is the rest of the question of why me really mean ; and not somebody else? It seems to me that the more ill I become the less I am preoccupied with my spirituality. So many things that Ive believed are changing. Like if your out of balance you can become ill or your life is in disarray. The truth is I feel more in balance then I ever have? And more at peace with my self? Yet my body is trying to kill it self? I found myself saying to The powers that be, what the fuck? Not only do I get a rare disease, but I get an even rarer lung disease on top of it? Im so rare a case that Im the only person in the world to have this combo, will become a lab rat, and am being written about in medical journals. I think the Gods or whoever and what ever you believe in have joined the times and discovered voice mail! They just havent figured out how to answer it yet. Or Im truly learning that the powers that be really only exist inside ones self, and that everything else is just our minds attempt at trying to conceptualize this feeling into words for others to hear. Strength comes from within, encouragement comes from others. Both are needed. The Gods didnt save my but in the hospital, my doctors and a primal need to survive did. Sheer will and determination on my part did. The truth is I never once thought about my spirituality. Im not questioning spirituality or the concept of a higher power Im just questioning where it actually comes from?

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