Monday, January 16, 2006

10 Years......

10 years....
What does that amount to in life? How do we define time? Is it the quality or the quantity of time that matters? It should be both. But what if thats not an option? How do you plan for those ten years? What if those ten years are more like five? Or twenty? Why does time seem to have its own speed? One day moving extremely fast, while an hour can last an eternity? What if all you know is that time will be cut short?

All you hear is the ticking of a clock.....
Tick, tick...
One month,
Tick, tick,
Nine months
Nine Years

Where are the people you care about? How many have you lost touch with? Where will they be in ten years? How many sunsets have you let go by unnoticed? How many seasons have you complained about the weather? Its too hot, its too cold. How many things have you left for another day figuring....

Theres always time?
Now, what if you found out that the average lifespan for someone like you was only ten years and already Nine months have flown by?

Thursday, January 5, 2006


How do we know how to support people when they need it? Some see being supportive as making light of the situation, others think that by ignoring the situation it will go away. Some become overtly supportive. Everybody tries to do what they think is the right thing to do. Unfortunately the person who needs the support winds up feeling as if they have to support all the other people through their worry. Its exhausting. People tell me that I have such a positive attitude and that I should keep my spirits up. Part of the reason I have this positive attitude is to keep everyone else from being upset. When I was in the hospital I remember thinking that, wow this has to be harder on everyone else than it is on me. All I have to do is try to survive. I know what the pain feels like, and what the fear feels like, I have a basis of understanding. They all have to imagine what its like to have 3 chest tubes shoved into your body without the aid of anesthetics. Wonder what it must be like to be me. Worry that I wont be around. Me, if Im no longer around well thats it. Theres nothing left to contemplate. Im tired of supporting the people trying to support me. I dont know how people should support me. To not say anything makes me feel unacknowledged, to make light of the situation makes me feel misunderstood, to take it to a trama drama level makes me feel like I have to make light of the situation to calm them down. So I remain up beat and positive, for everyone elses benefit. Part of me wants to feel upset, worried, and not so positive. Im tired of being strong. I know that this is normal, and I know that my positive attitude does help keep me healthier. I just dont know how long I can hold on it, and I feel like if I stop supporting the people who are trying to support me that Ill be lost, and once that happens its all over. Nothing left to contemplate. This scares me because the more bad news I get the harder it is to not fall prey to my fears. How many times can you stare death in the face and tell it to go to hell?